Tuesday, December 11, 2012

I Feel Like Gollum...

...like I've been in this dark and desolate cave, without hope of emerging, and have been petting my baby and calling him "Precious."

Okay, so maybe I'm being slightly melodramatic.

But, really. I'm not sure where the past few weeks have gone. They've all sort of blurred together in a giant mass of chaos, where Sleep and Order have been completely overthrown by a cute little tyrant called Baby.

How DOES he get away with such madness?? Oh, wait. I know. Like this:


How does one build up proper defenses to such a creature? Well, one doesn't. Somehow, through the sleepless nights and MOUNTAINS of diapers and laundry (SERIOUSLY?!), that beautiful little tyrant steals your heart away. His gummy smiles turn you into a puddle of goo, and the way he stares at you - a beautiful combination of discovery and comfort - you forget what you were doing. You forget that you were in the middle of The Great War Against Dust Bunnies and that you were losing - dreadfully - because you can't help but stare back into those eager eyes while making funny faces at each other.

But initially, it just feels like chaos.

His days are your nights; he poops his body weight multiple times a day. You're peed on, pooped on, puked on, and then he pees on the PJs you JUST washed because he peed on them 3 hours ago... When "they" say a newborn can eat every two hours, that doesn't mean in between feedings. No, it means everything happens WITHIN a two hour period. IE you feed him for 30-40 minutes, change his diaper, play with him, put him down for a 1 hour nap, and then he's hungry again.

But it was more than that. Nothing in the world could have prepared me to be so entrusted with another human life. The first week of his life, that responsibility hit me...hard. I felt completely overwhelmed (and undeserving), which, of course, displayed itself every day via an outpouring of tears... (thank you, Hormones...poor Ben...)

And then...the chaos changes.

It's a strange thing to have your life work in one fashion for so long (30 years!) and then to have it all flipped upside down and turned inside out. I've realized a lot about myself, and the biggest realization has been just how selfish I am. I've always been very protective *UNDERSTATEMENT* with my time, and now time isn't mine to protect.

But, interestingly enough, I don't mind.

It took me a good three weeks, but the chaos finally transformed into some form of predictability. And now that the dust is settling (on all the black furniture - WAR!), I'm starting to feel myself again - a different me, but me, no less. I'm recovering fast and getting some sleep, albeit incrementally (BTW sleep training is HARD, but it does wonders! I'm so thankful for the advice and encouragement from friends that were successful with it. And I'm thankful for my noise-cancelling headphones :D).

Just last week, Baby Kloss and I had our first "outing" together: Target. Of course he slept the entire time, but I count it as success and a mark that some form of normalcy shall be restored. Also, I've commenced working on book #3; my inspiration has RETURNED! And oh, it's a glorious thing...it was gone almost the entirety of pregnancy. My only problem now is that I can't type fast enough during those 30-45 minute segments of time I'm granted.




I'll never understand how such a tiny person can run away with your heart. He is absolutely perfect and healthy and beautiful, and it's astounding how much he grows and changes EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. He's almost a month old and already a pound heavier (he's got a ways to go to catch up to Daddy), and each day he's more alert, making more noises *MELTS*, and smiling more. (I've already doubled the photo count on my phone.) One of my new favorite things is to watch him with Ben. They already have a bond that's unique to them, and Ben always seems to be able to get him to relax in a way that I can't. Samson is also adjusting. The first time he heard Baby Kloss cry, Samson barked at him, and now he's bringing Baby Kloss his toys, expecting him to throw them.



And now it's time for me to go... gotta wake Baby Kloss so that we can go to Target and get sprinkles to make Christmas cookies :D

30 comments:

  1. Oh my gosh!!! What a beautiful post!! (and baby boy!) I've been meaning to email you - SO glad to hear you're doing well!!! xoxoxoxo

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    1. Aww, thank you!! And DOOOO email me...it would make my week!!! (almost as much as that awesome onesie did ;D )

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  2. My wife and I have a theory that the cuteness of babies is an evolutionary requirement; otherwise, we would never keep them.
    There are no defenses for babycute.

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    1. I already agree with that theory. And you know, "babycute" should be a word. It'd make a great and very useful adjective.

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  3. HE'S SO CUTE!!!!!

    I'm a terrible friend. Keep meaning to come visit you and jabber our brains out but days get away from me!

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    1. THANK YOU!!!

      And, GOODNESS, don't feel bad! I don't know what day it is half the time, so if you said you were coming by tomorrow and waited till next week, I'd probably still think it was tomorrow ;D

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  4. Oh, Barb, he is SO CUTE!!! Those big eyes! AWWWW!

    *HUGS* It's an incredible journey, isn't it?? Every single day, every month, every year...and soon enough you'll turn around and he'll be getting his own breakfast and taking his own baths and leaving you to yours. ;) Hugs to all of you, my dear!!

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    1. *HUGS*

      It IS!!!! And I know those days will be here before I know it :(

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  5. Glad to see you writing again. Oh, and baby Santa is soooo adorable.

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  6. Congratulations on the baby and the return of your inspirations! He's beautiful. My first one cried for six weeks...and I still was completely in love with her (still am even though she's one of those teen creatures).

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    1. Oh, thank you!!

      Six weeks - yikes! It's so hard hearing them, isn't it?! Teen creature, lol. I'm sorry ;D

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  7. I'm so happy to see you experience such great joy with your son! I felt the exact same thing about the selfishness. You don't realize it until it's jerked away from you. The first kid took the biggest chunk away and with the others I had to give up a little more and a little more:)

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    1. Thanks, Ang! Yeah, CRAZY the things you discover about yourself. Probably a good thing I realized it, too. Funny how you don't mind giving it up, eh?

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  8. Christmas cookies with meeee!!! PS - I love you and I love baby Kloss! And, I kinda even love Gollum... so, I guess all this is 100% okay in my book! You are a great momma and I love being able to watch you love on that little guy :)

    Jenny

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    1. YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAA!!! I've been staring at the sprinkles ALL DAY. I love YOU! And thank you...you've been SUCH an amazing friend and source of encouragement. Cameron can't move you away. I'm keeping you.

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  9. Oh!! He is SO precious! I have been wondering if this new chapter in your life will take Daria's life in a new direction. haha!

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    1. THANK YOU!!...and you KNOW it has! Actually, my emotional senses have been heightened. Not sure if that's a good or bad thing?!

      Um, how is YOUR story coming along, missy????

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    2. I will e-mail you. haha. :D

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  10. He is edibly gorgeous! Many, many congratulations - and I'm mega-impressed that you're writing again! Have a wonderful Christmas season! x

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    1. Thank you so much!! Well, don't be TOO impressed ;D It's little by little at this point ;D

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  11. HaHa! Oh my! I also feel like that little girl Darla from Finding Nemo every time I see a baby. I just want to squeeze them! LOL

    Congrats! :D

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  12. What a sweet post! Thanks for sharing, Barbara. It is very hard, but does fly by in no time at all - just as people say it does. Soon you'll look up and release they are 18 and 14... Oh, wait. We were talking about you just now, weren't we? ;)
    Congratulations.

    -Jimmy
    http://jamesgarciajr.blogspot.com/

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    1. Oh, no!! I'm sorry. You've got your hands full, don't you?! It's already flying by - he changes EVERY DAY. So crazy.

      Thank you!

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  13. Oh my goodness... just listening to you go on about Baby Kloss.... its so so SO incredibly sweet and beautiful! You and Ben epitomize the kind of love that the world desperately needs more of! Its such a wonderful thing. I'm so happy for you, Ben and your new little one! You are all such dears! I wish I could know you in person... you all seem like the kind of people who enrich the lives of the people you touch! Congrats a thousand times over, mamma!

    P.s. Oh yes, and I'm glad to hear you're writing again... that's happy too!

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    1. YOU!!! *HUGS* You are so so so sweet! Thank you so much! And I wish I could know you in person, too, because I think YOU are amazing!! Someday! You aren't that far from me, you know :D

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