Thursday, June 14, 2012

Belly Bands and Barf Bags...

DISCLAIMER: The following is merely an account of my personal experiences thus far and is by no means intended to set the expectation of all pregnancies. However, if you prefer to maintain the idea that maternity is as beautiful and glorious as Cherry Blossoms in Spring, I suggest you stop reading. Immediately.




Pregnancy.




Typically, it's met with the following reaction:























It must be an incredible experience, right? I mean, why else would everyone get so excited? I've heard many women say they LOVED being pregnant. I am not one of those women. 


In recent months, it has come to my attention that all mothers suffer amnesia. "What do you mean?" you ask. Well, it's a specific type of amnesia - a little convenience that happens once you see your baby for the first time. All prior nine months of misery have all vanished into a swirl of sugar plums, and all you can seem to remember is how glorious childbirth is. 


But sitting here, smack dab in the middle of that nine months, I feel deceived. 


(ahem)


The 1st Great Deception (aka the mother of all lies): MORNING SICKNESS


MORNING?! Whoever decided to give it that little euphemism should be publicly flogged. Seriously. It's all-day-all-night-even-in-your-dreams sickness. You wonder if you'll ever feel normal again, you stare longingly at all the healthy people smiling and running around while remembering "how it used to be," the first thing you do when you go anywhere is locate the nearest trashcan...


The only thing that makes you feel slightly better is eating, but that leads me to...




The 2nd Great Deception: FOOD AVERSIONS ARE FUNNY


There's nothing funny about it.  For a few months I couldn't even step into our pantry because every time I opened the door, it smelled like we hadn't emptied our trash in a year. I started plugging my nose every time I needed something. And meat? Forget it. Don't even TALK to me about food.


You're supposed to be eating all the time, but you spend more time just trying to find foods you can swallow without gagging. You get all excited when you find something, but then one day you'll be sitting there, minding your own business, and with that next bite your stomach turns and you never want to see another Goldfish for the rest of your life. Ewww, even typing that word turns my stomach....




The 3rd Great Deception: HORMONES MAKE YOU EMOTIONAL


Okay, yeah, they make you emotional. AND angry and irritable and irrational, and you say things to people while thoughts like, "I can't believe I'm saying this right now," run through your head, but it's too late. You've said it and you can't take it back, and besides, you don't really want to take it back. Because you're not just emotional, YOU'RE POSSESSED. It feels kinda like this:























and this...







The 4th Great Deception: PREGNANCY IS BEAUTIFUL


Sure...ON EVERYONE ELSE. But when you look at yourself in the mirror and see this strange roundness at your belly and lower back, and you can't fit into your pants anymore without belly bands, and you can't even workout to help it because you feel too sick and it wouldn't matter anyway because you have no choice but turn cylindrical....it's hard! Your body doesn't look like your body anymore. It doesn't feel like your body anymore. In fact, you start wondering if you watch too much sci-fi because you keep seeing images of an alien ripping through your belly...




The 5th Great Deception: PREGNANCY RHINITIS


Know what it is? About 30% of pregnant women experience it. You start off sneezing. Lots of sneezing. But then your nose gets all stuffy and you start coughing, and you think maybe you just got a cold, but you don't feel like you've got a cold, and it's been a month and now it's getting worse....


It's because your mucus membranes in your nasal passages swell. It gets worse throughout pregnancy.




The 6th Great Deception: IT'LL ALL GO AWAY AFTER THE FIRST TRIMESTER.


Pshaww!
When I still felt crappy at 14 weeks, I started asking around. You know what I found? Many people didn't start feeling better until they neared their third trimester. Some never felt better. It's no guarantee. 18 weeks and 2 days...still sick.


Now, some women really are fortunate enough to feel great the whole time, and I'm sure once I meet baby for the first time I'll forget all of this. It seems to be a mental disease I can't escape. But when you ask me in 5 months and I tell you pregnancy was fine, you'll know the truth :D






25 comments:

  1. I love this - - and I love you! You got a LOTR, HP, and Despicable Me clip all into one post! So impressed :) Sorry your body is turning on you. I still think you are beautiful and glowing (even though you clearly feel that your glow is more of a greenish pallor). Hope it gets better, friend!

    Jenny

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    1. Awwww :D Thanks, Jenny! You're always so sweet to me, even when I'm green!! *hugs* Love you!

      p.s. I knew YOU'D appreciate the clips :D

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  2. More importantly, you'll know the truth. :P
    We never had an easy pregnancy.
    And, um, when did this happen? Did I miss something somewhere?

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    1. Ugh, I'm sorry to hear it ;( Now I understand! And I know it was hard on you watching your wife go through it...my hubby already has a baby, lol.

      No, you didn't miss anything. We haven't really made any kind of public announcement, and I definitely haven't blogged about it (I haven't blogged much because it kinda makes me sick...sorta unfortunate for writing, you know?) BUT we're due in November!

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    2. Well, I actually meant there were complications with each one, like 6 months of bed rest with my daughter. But the eating issues... let me just say that it's impossible to buy groceries when what someone can't get enough of one day won't stay down the next.

      Congratulations, though!
      Oh, and that memory thing has actually been studied, and, yes, people actually do forget traumatic events (brains don't like to remember the pain), and pregnancy is one of those.

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    3. Oh, that's awful! I'm sorry :( Yeah, and my hubby feels your pain with the grocery bit.

      Ha. Post traumatic stress syndrome :D

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  3. Awesome post Barbara!!! Definitely had me laughing!!! Motherhood is an interesting thing...Since I've become a mom, my motto has become, "I'm a mom. I can do ANYTHING!" ...and the reason I say this is because as a mom I've had to experience tons of things that are disgusting, gross, embarrassing, painful, emotional, patience-testing, etc....and after awhile you just realize nothing is a big deal when you've already had to do so many things that you don't like or ever imagined yourself doing before. Good luck woman! I know you are going to be an AMAZING momma!!! ...and it helps that you have an amazing momma to guide you too!!! Love you!

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    1. I love that motto!!!! I'm stealing it *steals Angela's motto* :D And thank you! I hope so...parenting scares me a little. It just seems like there are so many areas I can mess up. Love YOU!

      ps I never told you thank you for sending the article and card!!! It's currently out on my counter as a reminder to TELL you. I've been forgetting a lot of things, lately :(

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  4. I'm sorry, but you had Dan and me chuckling - you have such a way with words - and such honesty! This should be in every Mother-to-Be book! I'm still crossing my fingers that you eventually feel better!!! Lucky for us, we get to be excited for you, but without the discomfort! LOL

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    1. Ha...thanks :D I'm glad your excited, despite all my discomfort!!!

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  5. Awwwww. Poor little thing. Hope you feel better soon.

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  6. First off, CONGRATULATIONS!
    Second...you just described all 4 of my pregnancies to a T. No kidding. And the pregnancy amnesia is so true, though it wears off. I still remember how miserable I was, and promising myself many times that number 4 was the last one. :)
    But just wait, because the real miracle is the birth. Sounds weird, but I would do that part over and over again. Truly a miracle. And then when you have this sweet little baby and he starts growing up every time you blink you think "how did this go by so fast?"
    Don't worry, though. I won't tell you to enjoy every minute of it, because really, who wants to remember the sickness, the hugeness, and aches. Just focus on the sweet baby that is to come.
    You are going to be a fabulous mom. I envy your kids bedtime stories. :)

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    1. Thanks, Tiana!

      I don't think that sounds weird at all! I'm looking forward to the day this will all be over and we'll be holding the little miracle...HALFWAY! :D I'll keep focusing like you suggested.

      And HA! Our kids are gonna think mom is crazy O.o

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  7. Great post! Sorry you are having a hard time. Its well worth it in the end when you get to hold that precious baby! Hang in there!

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    1. Thanks, Michelle! Halfway there...I'm still holding!!! :D....barely...

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  8. Hahahahaha! Oh by gosh, I loved EVERYTHING about this post!! You poor girl.

    *hands Barb gwak*

    *takes away Goldfish*

    That is... assuming you still have a "thing" for the gwak... maybe I should be taking THAT away too! Haha! Hang in there! YOU'RE AWESOME!!

    Memo to Self: wait a few more years.

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    1. HA! Oh, thanks, Jules....

      Wanna hand me orange creamsicles instead??? :)

      Yeah...about that memo... O.o

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    2. *hands Barb box of orange creamsicles*

      *confiscates gwak*

      Hahaha! I heart you! Memo received ( :

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  9. I strongly suggest you don't see the movie Prometheus, and that has to do with the 4th deception. Ridley Scott will probably get a lot of hate mail from pregnant women.

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    1. LOL, I shall not watch it, then. Thanks for the warning. :D Or at least wait until I conveniently forget all of this...

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  10. Sorry you are having a hard pregnancy dear girl! As I am sure you've heard so did my daughter - five times. But like your mom, her deliveries were a cake walk! You are half way to the finish line so just keep your eye on the prize - your beautiful baby boy! That little guy is so loved already! We can't wait to see him! By the way, I loved the post!

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    1. Thanks, Aunt Ruthie! Yes, I HAVE heard about Marilyn's - FIVE TIMES?!?! Oh, dear. I can't even imagine. The ONE good thing about all the sickness is that I am actually excited about delivery. :D I hope mine goes as smoothly!

      Thanks so much - LOVE YOU TONS!

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  11. Three pregnancies later... that amnesia is so true!!! I'd forgotten how badly smells would make me gag. I literally kept a bottle of peculiar air freshener at my side at all times, and Starbursts and saltines, they seemed to help.

    At first it is so wonderful to feel the baby moving, but even that gets old (and very uncomfortable). The whole pregnancy/baby/toddler thing is exhausting, uncomfortable, inconvenient, just sign your life away, and somehow, worth it all.

    Loved the Bilbo Baggins animation - nothing like using humor to get us through the madness!

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    1. Oh, dear, THREE?!?! O.o A bottle of air freshener is a fantastic idea!

      Already in the club of "STOP MOVING AROUND IN THERE!" :D You're absolutely right. It's cute, and then it's not. Particularly when you're trying to go to sleep.

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