Thursday, June 14, 2012

Belly Bands and Barf Bags...

DISCLAIMER: The following is merely an account of my personal experiences thus far and is by no means intended to set the expectation of all pregnancies. However, if you prefer to maintain the idea that maternity is as beautiful and glorious as Cherry Blossoms in Spring, I suggest you stop reading. Immediately.


Typically, it's met with the following reaction:

It must be an incredible experience, right? I mean, why else would everyone get so excited? I've heard many women say they LOVED being pregnant. I am not one of those women. 

In recent months, it has come to my attention that all mothers suffer amnesia. "What do you mean?" you ask. Well, it's a specific type of amnesia - a little convenience that happens once you see your baby for the first time. All prior nine months of misery have all vanished into a swirl of sugar plums, and all you can seem to remember is how glorious childbirth is. 

But sitting here, smack dab in the middle of that nine months, I feel deceived. 


The 1st Great Deception (aka the mother of all lies): MORNING SICKNESS

MORNING?! Whoever decided to give it that little euphemism should be publicly flogged. Seriously. It's all-day-all-night-even-in-your-dreams sickness. You wonder if you'll ever feel normal again, you stare longingly at all the healthy people smiling and running around while remembering "how it used to be," the first thing you do when you go anywhere is locate the nearest trashcan...

The only thing that makes you feel slightly better is eating, but that leads me to...

The 2nd Great Deception: FOOD AVERSIONS ARE FUNNY

There's nothing funny about it.  For a few months I couldn't even step into our pantry because every time I opened the door, it smelled like we hadn't emptied our trash in a year. I started plugging my nose every time I needed something. And meat? Forget it. Don't even TALK to me about food.

You're supposed to be eating all the time, but you spend more time just trying to find foods you can swallow without gagging. You get all excited when you find something, but then one day you'll be sitting there, minding your own business, and with that next bite your stomach turns and you never want to see another Goldfish for the rest of your life. Ewww, even typing that word turns my stomach....


Okay, yeah, they make you emotional. AND angry and irritable and irrational, and you say things to people while thoughts like, "I can't believe I'm saying this right now," run through your head, but it's too late. You've said it and you can't take it back, and besides, you don't really want to take it back. Because you're not just emotional, YOU'RE POSSESSED. It feels kinda like this:

and this...

The 4th Great Deception: PREGNANCY IS BEAUTIFUL

Sure...ON EVERYONE ELSE. But when you look at yourself in the mirror and see this strange roundness at your belly and lower back, and you can't fit into your pants anymore without belly bands, and you can't even workout to help it because you feel too sick and it wouldn't matter anyway because you have no choice but turn's hard! Your body doesn't look like your body anymore. It doesn't feel like your body anymore. In fact, you start wondering if you watch too much sci-fi because you keep seeing images of an alien ripping through your belly...

The 5th Great Deception: PREGNANCY RHINITIS

Know what it is? About 30% of pregnant women experience it. You start off sneezing. Lots of sneezing. But then your nose gets all stuffy and you start coughing, and you think maybe you just got a cold, but you don't feel like you've got a cold, and it's been a month and now it's getting worse....

It's because your mucus membranes in your nasal passages swell. It gets worse throughout pregnancy.


When I still felt crappy at 14 weeks, I started asking around. You know what I found? Many people didn't start feeling better until they neared their third trimester. Some never felt better. It's no guarantee. 18 weeks and 2 days...still sick.

Now, some women really are fortunate enough to feel great the whole time, and I'm sure once I meet baby for the first time I'll forget all of this. It seems to be a mental disease I can't escape. But when you ask me in 5 months and I tell you pregnancy was fine, you'll know the truth :D

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